TRAPS Series: Trap #1: Trusting Techniques instead of Principles

Answer these 4 True and False Statements:

1. I find myself saying “No” more often than I would like.
2. I can’t seem to set reasonable limits on my child’s behavior without getting a lot of resistance.
3. I find myself asking my child a question like, “Are you ready for bed?”, when I really won’t accept any answer but Yes!
4. At least once I have heard myself say something like, “Alright, I’ve had it! You’re getting a Time-Out.”

If you can answer, TRUE, to any of these statements then you are familiar with the frustration that comes from falling into these verbal technique traps.  You remember Goldilocks and the Three Bears; the bed that was too hard, the bed that was too soft, and the bed that was just right?  Too often as parents we find ourselves swinging between hard and soft parenting techniques without success.

Let’s look at the problems inherent in “Too Hard” parenting techniques and the Principle that is behind the “Just Right” parenting action that works better.  Next post I’ll cover the “Too Soft” techniques.

Saying “NO”: There are three big problems with this word around toddlers and preschoolers. Which happens in your house? 

• My child hears “No” so much they just tune me out.
• When my child hears “No” they act like its a fighting word.  Their behavior says, “Bring it on, try to stop me, make my day”.
• My child listens to my “No” and stops that behavior but then fill the gap with something even worse.

Often, if we tend to say know multiple times, they grow in volume and emotion as we get frustrated.  This can lead to the emotionally driven discipline technique like, “You’re getting a Time-Out” (because I need one ).

Now for the Principles that save the day:

#1 Focus on what you are for, not what you are against.  The limit you are trying to set can be conveyed very effectively without ever saying “no”. 

• Having a transition problem?  Say, “Yes, I know that was a lot of fun – now we get to _____.”

#2 Use Fixed Choices instead of Commands. It is the job description of this age to push back because they are trying to establish a sense of self.  They fight back sometimes because they are fighting being told what to do, when they would be OK with what you are asking them to do.

• Instead of “Get upstairs right now because it is time for bed”.  A fix choice says, “Yeah, bedtime is starting; to you want to walk upstairs or do you want me to carry you?”
• The priniciple behind the fixed choice is simple.  They get to feel in charge and you get to stay in charge because you are happy with either choice they make.  Remember you are pretty consistent in your house rules and routines.  They don’t need to be told that its time for bed a dozen times.  Just offer a fixed choice and then act.
• Does your child try to pick or offer an alternative answer? Respond with, “I see that you want Mommy to choose for you.  Ok, I will carry you.”