This entry will cover the idea of “Too Soft” techniques of parenting that aren’t effective. By “too soft” I don’t be that you should be hard. It means, notice when your parenting is focused on trying to “soften the blow” of what needs to or must occur; like bedtime. Its comical, if you think about it, they way we ask fake or leading questions thinking it will lead to our child’s cooperation. Asking questions like, “Don’t you think it’s time for bed?” is an example. Trying to soften the blow this way only creates a battleground for agitation. Young children relish the chance to answer “NO”. Older children are offended at the unfariness of asking a yes/no question and then not allow “no” to be an answer. So, a variation on Principle 2 from the last blog entry applies: Use Fixed Choices instead of Leading Questions.
The final of the four survey questions gets at the mistaken technique of Emotionally Reactive Discipline. It asked if you ever heard yourself say, ““Alright, I’ve had it! You’re getting a Time-Out.” Though there is a version of Time Out I prefer and call Time-Away, what I want you to understand today is the truism: [If you are too upset and parent reactively, then you waited too long to act]. When you wait too long nobody benefits. The kids love the fireworks of watching Mom “go off” but the high emotions keeps them from connecting your upset to their earlier behavior. You certainly don’t benefit because you feel ineffective and disrespected. Your solution is found in Principle #3:
#3. Remember that You are the Biggest M&M in the Room
Despite how you feel sometimes, your kids, especially the young ones, are usually behaving in an ineffective attempt to get or keep your attention. So, take action long before you are so upset you need a time-out. When their behavior starts to go out of whack, focus on what you want, give them fixed choices of behaviors that will keep things working, and if these principles don’t work; consider a “Time-Away”. Here is how it sounds; “Your behavior is showing me you need some time away to calm down.”
If Time-Out says, “I have had all I can take of your behavior, you have to leave, then Time-Away says, “I’m calm, I want you around, and you can be near me when you are calmer; it’s just how we treat each other around here.”
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I had the neighbor boy visiting who was seven. He was using swear words. I pulled him aside and told him I don’t like that and he will be sent outside if it continues. His response floored me.
“why should I listen you you if you are not mad, I mean you are smileing?”
I can see and hear how his parents raise him and I don’t like it. I wish it was so easy to see how I raise my own three year old.