The following article passed by my eyes.  Comment on your success of frustrations in being able to grow your spiritual life when you have a child with special needs.

======================================================

Kids with Special Needs and Faith

Teaching Religious Beliefs with Children with Disabilities

© Lynn Moore

Jun 29, 2008

For children with special physical or mental challenges who need individual assistance in order to fully participate, every effort is made to connect each child with a Special Friend who will assist him or her during a weekend service. This is a deliberate process, taking into consideration the needs of the child and concerns of the parents in order to make the best match between each child and Special Friend. Due to this process, it may be necessary for a family to wait until a volunteer is found.  Download application or request more info.

If you live in the Michiana area share some other contacts of churches that do a good job supporting children with special needs.

1. I am not sleeping well.
2. I haven’t been out with my friends, just for fun, in the past three months.
3. There are health and wellness activities I used to do (walking, aerobics, yoga, meditation, etc.) that I no longer do for myself.
4. I don’t have anyone who really “gets me”, that I can share my parenting experiences with.

If you can answer, TRUE, to any of these statements the trap of skimping on your self-care may have you ensnared.  You are hardly alone if your role as Mom has negatively affected your self-care.  A Parents magazine survey in 2007 reported that only 10% of Mothers with young children had gone out socially for fun in the previous three months.  If you can’t maintain and cultivate your adult relationships it will sure be more difficult to have that one friend who really “gets you” that you can be real with and not worry about how you are viewed. 

Health and wellness activities can be thought of as those things we do that serve as “energy gainers” in our lives.  As a parent of young children there is little you can do about some of the inevitable “energy drainers” you will face each day.  That make maintaining some energy gainers even more vital to your health.  Make a list of the energy gainers you used to do for yourself before you had kids.  Pick one from the list and get creative about how you can introduce it back into your life.  Come on now, Moms of young kids are the most resourceful and creative beings on the planet so you can do this.  I see many Moms combine tasks and goals such as power-walking the stroller with a good friend so that exercise, social time, and emotional support can all happen.  At other times you know that you never stop doing!  The National Sleep Foundation says that even 15-20 minute naps can be beneficial to the body.  How many times did you pass up that 15 minute nap window because you felt you had to get something else done while the kids napped? 

When I do retreats with couples I often ask them to discover the best G.I.F.T.S. they can give each other.  Here are some of the favorites couples share.

G = Guiltless Girl Time for Moms and Guiltless Guy Time for Dads.  Now Dads, guiltless means you don’t call her 5 times during the two hours she is out with friends because you can’t handle the kids.  It also means no snide remarks when she gets home.

I = Intimacy.  Make a date night, find a way, I know it seems impossible.  NIKE this one, Just Do It.  Guys, take the lead in planning and initiating this.  Nothing big.  Even 90 minutes at Barnes and Nobles to start (Parent and Child sections are off limits).

F = Fun.  With or without the kids around find ways to laugh and just have fun.  You used to be goofy, kids love it when parents take a prat fall.  Once they start laughing it is contagious.  Drop your to do list and use those free hands to tickle a kid!

T = Touch and Talk.  Intentionally kiss your partner goodbye when you leave and hello when you return.  Intentionally hug each other for at least 10 full seconds (if this feels awkward do a minimum of three times a day).  Share one good thing that happened in each of your days.  Dads, listen to yoru partners entire story.  Moms, let his comments be brief without probing for more.

S = Some Solitude.  Are you a Velcro Mom with some kid always attached to you.  Peel them off (yes they will make that awful tearing noise that Velcro makes) but do it anyway.  Moms tell me even grocery shopping alone can feel like a slice of paradise with a Starbucks in one hand and… well nothing in the other.

1. Children should be seen and not heard.
2. Praising my child is the best way to build their self-esteem.
3. Praise and Encouragement are the same thing.
4. When my child behaves well, I often remark about similar situations when he didn’t behave well.

If you can answer, TRUE, to any of these statements the myths and uncertainties about how to emotional build up your child have you trapped. 

For the record, I believe children should be seen and heard.  I have yet to find a parent of a young child who tells me that they hope their child will lack self-esteem, not speak up for themselves, and get ignored or pushed around by others.  We need to raise our kids to be social beings and to learn to effectively and respectfully live in social relations with others.  To achieve this goal I draw a distinction between the words Praise and Encouragement.  I call Praise the Unleaded Regular of Emotional Fuel because it is not a bad thing, it is just not the best thing.  Plus, in certain situations praise can confuse the child about their place in the world.

Praise tends to come out as a reward or recognition that one earns by doing something that another person  (in this case my all important parent) likes.  Intended or not, praise tells a child what they have to do to be valued by you.  Praise statements tend to focus on how the parent or adult feels about the child or the pleasure the child’s behavior gave the adult.  They sound like this:

You’re such a good kid.

That’s a good girl.

I’m so proud of you.

It makes me happy when you _______.

The weaknesses inherent in Praising are the usual lack of focus on a specific behavior or attribute.  I have seen preschool kids who after hearing a generic “good boy” label themselves “bad boy” when their behavior choice does not meet a parent’s expectation.  We need to separate the whole of the child from their momentary behavior.  If the whole of my behavior was judged by my worst and most immature moments you wouldn’t bother to read anything I write.

Encouragement is a gift given for effort or improvement that can be given at any time. Encouragement focuses on the child’s internal efforts and sense of self.  Encouragement uses words that notice, such as :

You seem proud that you can build that tower.

You really worked hard on that.

Your getting better at _____.

Thank you for being patient at the store.

Think of a time when a friend or boss didn’t just praise you for getting something done for them, but really said words of encouragement and acknowledgement of your effort, growth, persistence, flexibility, etc.  You know that moments of Encouragement feel like Premium Emotional Fuel.

One word of caution.  Parents are like elephants – we never seem to forget.  Because we remember all the times our child’s behavior choices weren’t so good, we can sabotage our own encouragements by adding on a discouragement at the end.  Avoid adding the kinds of discouragements that are written in italics at the end of these encouragements:

You seem proud that you can build that tower, but don’t get a big head.

You really worked hard on that, if you could just do that more often.

Your getting better at _____, it’s about time.

Thank you for being patient at the store,  for once!

1. Transitions are difficult and sometimes lead to power struggles with my child.
2. I feel like things are disorganized and cluttered in my home life.
3. I rarely follow a schedule or routine for meals, naps, and bedtime.
4. I haven’t really thought about my child’s natural daily rhythm of energy level, appetite, etc.

If you can answer, TRUE, to any of these statements then you are familiar with the stress and downright despair that comes from feeling like you are alone in raising the kids and running the household and can’t keep up.   Of course the best answer to this feeling is to experience the support of a dedicated partner.  However, whether you are a single mom or someone who has a dedicated partner, if you are the primary at-home parent you often are functionally parenting the kids by yourself.

The big idea that can dramatically change things for you is this: Design a Supportive Environment.  Having the environment of your home, your routine, and your daily rhythm working for you can feel like have a support partner working with you.  Young kids thrive on predictability, daily life is nothing if not unpredictable, but you can design the environment to work with you to make each day go better.

Take a tip from the good preschool and day care centers.   They handle transitions by having the environment tell everyone when things have to change, sparing the staff from having to give direct orders the kids will resist.  For example, they turn on and off the lights or sing a transition song.  At home you could use the microwave count-down timer to cue you and the child when a transition needs to occur.  It is a lot easier to be able to say, “Oh, hear that?  The beep is telling us it’s time for the TV to take a nap while we eat.” than it is to say, “I need that TV turned off and you’ve got to come eat!”  First off, the child’s level of resistance to the transition will be lower and even if they do protest, the timer is now the “bad guy” and you can be the empathizer.  “I know, that TV show was fun but Mr. Timer said we need to eat now.”

In my experience having in-home coaching with preschool families over the last 8 years, most Moms have set themselves up with completely unreasonable expectations for how organized and clutter free their home should be.  The reality is that if you have a child younger than First Grade age, you are living the “Preschool Lifestyle”.  If you are in this lifestyle phase then everything you have ever been taught about life balance, goal setting, and planning your day via an organizer and to-do list is worthless.  With preschoolers the day can’t go as you wish or as you planned.  On the other hand if you operate the day without any routine or structure preschoolers will spend the entire day pushing up against your boundaries because they really want and need some.

 The solution is to Design a Supportive Environment.  This means a loose but predictable flow to chunks of the day.  Breakfast around a regular time, followed by _____ (errand running, or indoor floor play, or table top play, or outdoor play), an organized snack, regular nap and lunch time, and so on.  What happens when can be based on you and your children’s natural rhythms.  The important thing is to recognize that young children don’t have time concepts and the only way they feel comfortable is to sense that there is a flow to their day.  Again, good preschools can teach us a lot. They break the day into segments (circle time, free play, craft table, snack, build blocks area, sensory table, book nook, nap time, outdoor/gross motor play).  I understand that these teachers don’t have to answer phones, pay bills, move laundry and shop for groceries while they care for the kids.   However, many Moms I work with have found that designing an environment that works for them eliminates many of the stressful situations in their day.

If you have a great idea or example that has helped you and your children please share by making a comment.

1. When I was a child my parents used a permissive style of parenting. 
2. The way my children react to my parenting efforts makes me feel disrespected.
3. I sometimes find myself giving my child a lengthy explanation of the reasons and rationales for my parenting decisions.
4. I am responsible for how my children behave.

If you can answer, TRUE, to any of these statements then you are familiar with the frustration that comes from falling into responsibility myth.  Its hard to do get trapped into feeling responsible for your children’s behavior.  Every snide comment and sneering look from customers in grocery stores and restaurants tell you that you are a bad parent if your toddler or preschooler has a public melt down.

The myth is that you are Responsible FOR your child.  The truth is you are Responsible TO your child.  This isn’t just word play.  Feeling responsible For leads a parent to constantly monitor the child’s behavior and then attempt to exercise control or manipulation to keep their behavior within certain limits.  However, have you noticed they have a mind of their own?  Even in infancy our kids begin to embrace their God-given ability to make decisions about what they will and won’t do.  Lot’s of times they make different choices than we want them to make. 

We have a far greater responsibility TO our child.  We are responsible to them in terms of what we model, how we display grace under pressure, in short we are responsible to our children for how we think, feel, and behave towards them.  The focus is on you because you are the only one you can ultimately control.  If you make sure you behave- even when your kids misbehave – then you have a greater chance of positively influencing the situation.  The only way to retain a position of influence with our children is to regain a position of control over ourselves.

Remember our ultimate goal is that we will launch Response-Able young adults into this world.  With this in mind let’s reread the 4 survey questions from a Responsible To mindset:

When I was a child my parents used a permissive style of parenting. 

Permissive parenting cops out of any sense of responsibility, either For or To. 

I am responsible for how my children behave.  The way my children react to my parenting efforts makes me feel disrespected.

These statements tend to be the mantra of the autocratic parent.  You will define your sense of respect differently when you are responsible”to” your child.  You will focus on your behavior because respect is best caught, taught, and modeled…not demanded.

I sometimes find myself giving my child a lengthy explanation of the reasons and rationales for my parenting decisions.

A Responsible To parent gets that being a parent means we parent by principles, not by marketing and debate.  Charles Shultz of Peanuts fame got this point.  The parents in all his work were never seen above the knees and their words sounded like “Wah, Wah, Wah”.  Words of encouragement, short phrases of direction and expectation, and matter-of-fact action are what works with toddlers and preschoolers.

The final of the four survey questions gets at the mistaken technique of Emotionally Reactive Discipline.  It asked if you ever heard yourself say, ““Alright, I’ve had it! You’re getting a Time-Out.”  Though there is a version of Time Out I prefer and call Time-Away, what I want you  to understand today is the truism: [If you are too upset and parent reactively, then you waited too long to act].  When you wait too long nobody benefits.  The kids love the fireworks of watching Mom “go off” but the high emotions keeps them from connecting your upset to their earlier behavior.  You certainly don’t benefit because you feel ineffective and disrespected.  Your solution is found in Principle #3:

#3. Remember that You are the Biggest M&M in the Room

Despite how you feel sometimes, your kids, especially the young ones, are usually behaving in an ineffective attempt to get or keep your attention.  So, take action long before you are so upset you need a time-out.  When their behavior starts to go out of whack, focus on what you want, give them fixed choices of behaviors that will keep things working, and if these principles don’t work; consider a “Time-Away”.  Here is how it sounds; “Your behavior is showing me you need some time away to calm  down.” 

If Time-Out says, “I have had all I can take of your behavior, you have to leave, then Time-Away says, “I’m calm, I want you around, and you can be near me when you are calmer; it’s just how we treat each other around here.”

Have questions or comments…Please share 

1. I find myself saying “No” more often than I would like.
2. I can’t seem to set reasonable limits on my child’s behavior without getting a lot of resistance.
3. I find myself asking my child a question like, “Are you ready for bed?”, when I really won’t accept any answer but Yes!
4. At least once I have heard myself say something like, “Alright, I’ve had it! You’re getting a Time-Out.”

If you can answer, TRUE, to any of these statements then you are familiar with the frustration that comes from falling into these verbal technique traps.  You remember Goldilocks and the Three Bears; the bed that was too hard, the bed that was too soft, and the bed that was just right?  Too often as parents we find ourselves swinging between hard and soft parenting techniques without success.

Let’s look at the problems inherent in “Too Hard” parenting techniques and the Principle that is behind the “Just Right” parenting action that works better.  Next post I’ll cover the “Too Soft” techniques.

Saying “NO”: There are three big problems with this word around toddlers and preschoolers. Which happens in your house? 

• My child hears “No” so much they just tune me out.
• When my child hears “No” they act like its a fighting word.  Their behavior says, “Bring it on, try to stop me, make my day”.
• My child listens to my “No” and stops that behavior but then fill the gap with something even worse.

Often, if we tend to say know multiple times, they grow in volume and emotion as we get frustrated.  This can lead to the emotionally driven discipline technique like, “You’re getting a Time-Out” (because I need one ).

Now for the Principles that save the day:

#1 Focus on what you are for, not what you are against.  The limit you are trying to set can be conveyed very effectively without ever saying “no”. 

• Having a transition problem?  Say, “Yes, I know that was a lot of fun – now we get to _____.”

#2 Use Fixed Choices instead of Commands. It is the job description of this age to push back because they are trying to establish a sense of self.  They fight back sometimes because they are fighting being told what to do, when they would be OK with what you are asking them to do.

• Instead of “Get upstairs right now because it is time for bed”.  A fix choice says, “Yeah, bedtime is starting; to you want to walk upstairs or do you want me to carry you?”
• The priniciple behind the fixed choice is simple.  They get to feel in charge and you get to stay in charge because you are happy with either choice they make.  Remember you are pretty consistent in your house rules and routines.  They don’t need to be told that its time for bed a dozen times.  Just offer a fixed choice and then act.
• Does your child try to pick or offer an alternative answer? Respond with, “I see that you want Mommy to choose for you.  Ok, I will carry you.”

So, over the next few posts readers will be able to take a mini-survey to identify these traps in their life and then, most importantly, discover the ways to avoid these parenting traps and greatly reduce the stress that accompanies them.

Come back soon to learn about the “T” in TRAPS!